Sober for 1000 days

I know, that’s a difficult subject. Especially the AA have a clear stance. They say, that will never work. And they are right. If you are an alcoholic, controlled drinking is nothing else than a never ending fight. But if you are stubborn enough, like me, it can be worth for a while.
I can’t remember when i released the rules a first time. It must be within the first or second year. I allowed me to drink at Sunday too. Not too much, but more than a glass of sure.
Braking up the rules were very seldom. Maybe in special weeks with holydays.
But this special weeks like end of the year or vacation became more than more to phases with uncontrolled drinking. Day after day. Never I had enough. I start with drinking on 4 p.m. and stop maybe six hours later, falling in bed like a stone, woke up several hours later with a tangling head and had a hard morning. Uncountable shame attacks when i realized that I didn’t remember exactly the evening last day. The bad feeling bringing all the glass to the container. Bottle, after bottle crashed with noise in. The head is turning, the stomach felt uncomfortable. Me getting older and older, struggle more with the effect on my body. I felt exhausted, my face was swollen, my BMI wasn’t in the green range. The effect on my brain was the other signal. Often i forgot things. And I forgot them complete. Even if it were without any doubt that i did this or that or had forgotten to do it, i wasn’t able to remember. Ok, i was anb still, a very busy Workoholic. Everybody forgive me, if i forgot something. Everybody said, thats clear, you have such a big workload, that’s normal. But I knew, it was nothing else than the alcohol.
As I get older, I wasn’t able longer to ignore the truth. You have to give a sacrifice. You sacrifice your freedom, your healthy and the ability to make the best of your life.

It was a good year.
At the beginning it was hard. I was over 40 and I was very used to drink. I haven’t any other way to calm down, to relax. I was complete alcohol-oriented and the craving was strong. But me too. So I stay sober and week after week, it works better. I start again with jogging, loose weight and feel better. In German “jogging instead boozing” sounds “laufen statt saufen”. And that is a good way. Because you feel happy after the run. And that is important. To substitute the alcohol. I count day after day, week after week. The craving stay but it became shorter and loose power.
I remember the vacation in summer. We went to Greece. That was a fight to don’t allow me, to make an exception because of the lifestyle there. I stood sober, the whole vacation and the whole year.
But I was looking forward the time after.
It was clear that I didn’t plan to booze again. But I knew that it make no sense to lie myself. Without clear rules there is no way. I’m not able to drink as many others.
I gave me the following rule: Never drink, if you have a working day the next day. And never drink more than a bottle of wine.

Many of my friends and colleagues were happy about that I drink again. And I love it. I enjoy the time with my colleagues, the discussions, the pleasure, the fun together while have one or two bottles of wine.
Especially one relation to a colleague were important. We are good friends and we are both alcoholics. Often we had some jobs together, often we are on business trips. Staying for two, three days abroad, and dive in every bar we found.
Over that eight years I made a good career and had many success with my work as programmer. I was not only a good programmer, I was a good sale and entertainer too.
Behind that I suffer a lot due my problems with my wife. This problems exists since we were married. It’s not the place here, to discuss this. But one can say: It is a very unholy combination, to have a difficult relation and a problem with alcohol too. Both parts are destroying every possible path for a solution in the respective part. It was toxic.
In those days I drank everyday. At least twice the week I drunk too much.
In the sixth year of this period I was charged to a leading position. I was used to drink half a bottle wine for lunch and start boozing in the evening. At the weekends I drunk still I fell in bed.
In the seventh year I stop smoking. A funny idea. To stop drinking would be more clever. But today, I’m happy to be a Non-smoker.
And then, after eight years, my reason succeed. I saw that I struggle again with my drinking behavior. I remembered my withdrawal more than ten years ago. I knew, that is the onliest way.
So I stop again. From on day to the next. My goal was: Stop drinking for exactly one year. I take my last drink on Sylvester 2011 went to bed and began my year free of alcohol.

I start drinking as I turned 20.
Ten years later I realized, that my behavior around alcohol is special. I saw, that I always drunk more than others. I had my first blackouts. Mornings without memories of the last hours of the evening before. I think, that experiences were a milestone. I saw that I’ve tried several times, to adjust my behavior, but that never lasting for a long time.
In this time, I was married, had two children and make a good job. Never, I came too late, or forgot a meeting. No, I did my job and yes, that gave me the approval, to have a drink in the evening. I never drunk before evening in this period.
But with 30, it was the first time, when I was honest enough to me. I’ve checked the reality, I’ve made all the tests I’ve found in the web and the result was clear: I am an alcoholic. And I need help.
I stopped boozing from one day to the other. And I went to the Anonimous Alcoholics. That was a very good decision and a worthwhile experience.
Despite I wasn’t a stereotypical alcoholic, loosing his job, his family and so on, i recognized me, within the stories the others told.

I did my first alcohol withdrawal. It’s too far away to remember how it felt. At this time, so I remember, it was hard to explain my sobriety to others. I loose the interest in parties with befriended families, events and so on. I prefer to stay at home. And of course, I had the job to fill the sparetime. I began with jogging. That helped.

After one year, I stopped my meetings at the AA, thankfully. Looking back: It was extremely helpful to visit one or twice the week the group.

I was sober for 3.5 Years. And I felt good. There was no reason to me, to start again.
But once in vacation, we were in a French restaurant and I didn’t resist the obligation, to drink a glass of white wine. It seemed very unpolite there to say no and I was sure, after the 3.5 years, that this can’t be a problem.

I was wrong.

There are some why’s.

Why to stop drinking?

Why to talk about?

Why in English?

First: It’s not the first time I stop to booze. I’ve a long journey with alcohol, no wonder with 60 years. Periods of uncontrolled consumption, periods of managed drinking, short sober periods. Why now? I feel, that’s time to stop, because everything that’s me, my body, my mind, my colleagues suffering about my Behaviour.

Why to talk about: To give something back. I was so grateful, reading all the stories others posted. It’s so brave and such a good thing. If you see your story in the live of others, that helps enormous.

Why in English: That’s my new hobby. I am trying to learn English since so much years, its unbelievable. It’s ridiculous hard to me. But i never give up!